Not Breaking, but Entering

With my brother's permission, I present one of the funniest papers I've read in a long time. It might not be as funny to you, but I think it's great.

Not Breaking, but Entering
When one breaks and enters, he usually steals. What if you could get rid of two of those dimensions, and just do the entering part? You would find yourself having the time of your life, that’s what! Ever been bored out of your mind at one or two in the morning? Ever wanted to give someone you know a good scare? Ever wonder what it feels associating with criminal masterminds? Or just wanted a pure adrenaline rush? All these things and more can be yours today; keep reading and find out how to make a successful, somewhat legal invasion of an apartment in a little town. Welcome to Ephraim, Utah. The home of humble people and lots of turkeys. Now you are probably asking yourself, “Why would someone want to make havoc in such a nice town?”. The answer? Because it’s fun! No more questions asked, let’s get started.

The first thing every good invasion needs is a good team. This is not a sports team, mind you. In such an event, you may be playing as a team, but when things go wrong, it’s survival of the fittest (keep that in mind for later). In fact, it’s best if you refer to yourselves as “Ninjas”; just hearing the word is terrifying. As you and your fellow ninjas’ are planning this extravaganza, select the rest of your crew carefully, for they will help determine success or failure. Only the strongest, should you select for your journey across campus. Once the team is assembled, keep the information of the event “Top Secret”, you don’t want people finding out who you are, or more importantly, what you’re doing.

Second, every good invasion needs a game plan; call a “Top Secret” meeting in someone’s room. Select one or two large apartment complexes, in Ephraim’s case, Snow Gardens, Park Place, or the Dorms. NEVER raid a complex in which you live. Next, narrow it down to the apartments of your friends, or for a bigger thrill, your enemies. But NEVER raid two apartments in the same building (if you raid an apartment with complete domination, the whole building will know what’s up). It is recommended that you pick apartments that leave their doors unlocked, for breaking in is a crime. Sometimes, the harder it is to get to an apartment, the more exciting it is. Don’t pick easy, go big or stay home! Remember, everything you decide in this meeting should be remembered only by memory, for if you are caught, any paper evidence found can and will be used against you.

The third and possibly the most important thing this invasion needs, is attire. It’s almost common sense, that when one doesn’t want to be noticed at night, black clothing is the way to go. Make sure that all of your crew knows this. Most essential to the attire, is the head piece. Grab a dark shirt, and follow the Figure 1 – 5 for the most effective mask known to raiding.

(pictures will be here)

Make sure that your crew dresses appropriately under their dark clothing; we don’t want anyone getting sick. Also recommended, are light running shoes, for lighter you run, the harder it is for people to notice.

Alright, it’s game time! Wrap up pre-invasion meetings, make sure it is 1 am or later, and prepare your men for departure. Give inspiration if you choose, but it is imperative as their leader, that you inform them that if one falls behind, to leave them behind (but for a bigger thrill, you go back for that lost ninja!). It doesn’t matter how far your destination is, ninjas’ always run! I recommend that you run in some sort of formation, like a “flying v”. This signifies that you mean business. Let the bystanders know that they should stay out of your way. Once you have arrived at your destination, inform everyone of what the signal will be (such as a high pitched war cry), and split into two teams. Team A sets up at the front door, while Team B scurries around to the back (only if a back door exists). Wait for the signal, and it’s Ninja Time! Once through the door, quickly make your intentions known. Jump up and down, make noise, go crazy! Do everything you can to scare the crap out of people, without showing that you want to harm them. *Note* this is a raid, not a robbery, leave that Xbox alone!

Do not stay long, leave just as quickly as you came. But stay just long enough for them to know that you have no bad intentions. When leaving, flee quickly! The raided residents just might try and get back at you! Re-group off in a field somewhere, count the ninjas you have, and ponder if it’s worth going back for the captured ones. And if you have the desire to raid again, by all means, raid again! However, don’t raid the same place twice in one night (unless going back for captured men). Don’t push your luck, those loud sirens just might be coming for you. Retreat back to your dorm the same way you left. A formation on the return signifies success. Show your success!

The next morning, act completely normal as you listen to the talk you hear of “Crazy Men” and “Stupid Ninjas”, even pretend as if they came to your house, your Ninjas’ are a hot topic! As incredibly exciting as this is, do not pull such an event twice in the same month, you won’t be so lucky the second time around. And for the faint of heart and the weak, you might not want to do this at all.