I Think I Need a Break. A Break?! Okay.

Today I held my first meeting. It was pretty uneventful--just a lot of roundabout brainstorming regarding a project I'm in charge of. (I'm in charge of a project, ha!) People seemed to disregard the fact I had no idea what I was doing, and good thing they couldn't hear me yelling in my head. I'm learning more and more about myself in this position; if I want to seem like a manager, I'd better make sure I know what I'm talking about. That's exactly why I did my research before I became bombarded with questions so I could show them I knew the answers--or at least where to get them.

Maybe I should have taken a class in public speaking because sometimes I think that words fall out of my head right when I need them. (I used to do that in my Spanish classes too, but those experiences were different because my lack of foreign vocabulary paralyzed me and made me feel like an idiot.) I definitely am not an eloquent speaker, but I will get better as I learn more about what I'm in charge of, and as I practice leading meetings. Or maybe I just feel totally overwhelmed because I feel a lot younger and less experienced when I'm in a room with all my coworkers, who are at least 10 years older than I am.

I am so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to begin. Even my past project management experience isn't helping. Well, I take that back. I never had to build something from scratch like this, or been working with so many interested parties. And I've never been on such a steep learning curve all at once. I am definitely a pro at making lists and analyzing spreadsheets now. But despite all that, I do know one thing: I'm happy to be in a position where I can actually try to implement some of my opinions, not just hope that I spout some good influential rhetoric. We'll see how effective that concept turns out to be.

Ultimately, this is my first big project. It affects the entire company, so no pressure. I can't say I feel like I'm capable of failing; I'm grateful for my coworkers who are helping me learn and adapt to my new responsibilities. Although I miss JG, I realize that I now have to stand up and be the person I'm capable of being; he was the main catalyst that got me my promotion, and that in itself motivates me not to fail.

And now I'm spending the evening in the BYU library so I can try to catch up on schoolwork. Today I registered for my final two classes I'll be taking next semester, and it seems pretty unreal. I'm almost done with school--again!