Writing Papers for Other People

So my boss is out of the office today. Naturally I am taking advantage of my "traveling office" (i.e. forwarding my work phone to my cell phone and using my laptop) and sitting over by Mynamyn's cube. Mynamyn's mom is finishing up an Independent Study history course this week, and the last set of assignments she had to complete were a bunch of free response essays that ask seriously random questions. The instructor told his students that if they used 1/2" margins and wrote in 12-point font, it wouldn't matter what they wrote because he was still going to give them an A. As a result, Mynamyn and I decided to answer all three questions for her. I answered the one titled "New Planet". I don't really have a caveat to this except for saying that I'm in a weird mood and was apparently in a mood to quote random movies/tv shows. (See Mynamyn's responses to the other two; hers aren't quite as random. I sort of took the "hash the sentence structure of the essay question" viewpoint while she took the "stream of consciousness" viewpoint.)

Assignment #1
What on earth could make you consider relocating to another planet? What is attractive there? What would push you out of here?

There are two ways to answer your first question. First of all, you could be asking what physical aspect of the planet Earth would force me off our current planet. The second option is for you to have included an exclamatory remark in your sentence, like the type of explanation you would include when your child has committed a horrible act and broken your favorite vase in your house, i.e. “what on earth possessed you to be playing baseball in the house you little punk?” I remember one time when my sister was throwing things in our house and she broke the head off of my Lladro doll. I was not happy with her, and neither was my mother. If he had hurt my grand piano, that would be a totally different story altogether.

If I answered the first question as I characterized it in the first definition, the only thing on earth that could make me consider relocating to another planet is the spiders. Seriously. I hate them. If they didn’t exist on another planet, I would go to said planet immediately. I know spiders are a good insect to help control the bug population, but perhaps the new planet wouldn’t have any bugs at all. Naturally you didn’t ask for the definition of my perfect hypothetical planet, but if you did, that would be my answer. Could you also make sure that the stars that hang in the night sky on said hypothetical planet twinkled with more pizzazz? I would also like them to turn purple and red upon command. If you really were Santa Claus, you could do that for me. But if you can’t, you’re just a nice man with a white beard like my mother says.

If I answered the first question as I characterized it in the second definition, I would have to say that the evil monkey in my closet made me do it. It’s always trying to kick me out of my room because it likes listening to my music and taking naps on my bed. I don’t get to spend any time in my room anymore. Soon I’ll have to be outside like my sister Meg. When they let her in the house, horrible things happen to our family logistics. She’s not even pretty; seriously, the only good-looking person in this house is my mother, who studied to be a model for awhile, and perhaps my friend Doug who occasionally visits.

Attractiveness is such an abstract definition. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but on a hypothetical planet, I would have to say that those with pink, spiky hair and hazel Chinese-looking eyes are definitely attractive. We’d also bring Moon Boots and 80s slap-bracelets back into style for a trendy look. I was always a fan of those slap-bracelets, you know. I owned several different colors and designs. But seriously, if we base attractiveness on what can be obtained instead of what we are naturally given when we are born, everyone would be able to attain beautiful features to make them socially adaptable and included. Think about it. If everyone on the planet was able to go out and create their hair to match everyone else in society, no one would feel like a reject or a loser. Everyone would be appreciated. We would be able to solve the world peace problem! It is certainly an alternative to forming gangs and joining cults for inclusion.

Your interrogative statement of “what would push you out of here” is inferentially redundant and suggests that you prefer to restate multiple thoughts in the same question. Therefore I am not required to answer. But if you want an answer, I would have to say a really large elephant could push me out of here. Or a small lion. I could probably push back on other things so pushing me anywhere wouldn’t be effective.